Job searching makes me feel a whole bunch of different emotions. And quite honestly its exhausting.
First, you get really motivated and ready to tackle every thing on your to do list and email everyone you can and fill out every application that crosses your path.
Then, you get excited with the possibility that you are actually that much closer to getting a real live job! Ooh, if this job comes through with this school system, than my life will be like this. Here comes the intense day dreaming. Not just about what grade you would teach, or what school system you would be a part of, but the really small details like what color your couch in your new apartment would be and where you would stop in the mornings to get coffee.
The daydreaming goes on for far too long and far too in depth, as you find yourself running red lights and loosing sleep because of your hopeful wishing.
Then, a couple days later, when nothing has magically landed at your feet (as planned!!) you go from thinking about every little detail of your life-to-be to sitting far too close to the edge of giving up in the matter of seconds. No emails have been returned, applications sit at a stand still, and you sit, wait, and worry throughout every minute of your current nannying job. As the three year old boy repeatedly hits you in the head with a stuffed animal penguin for about thirty minutes straight, you become numb and stop caring. Fine, I quit. I guess I’ll just be a nanny for the rest of my life. I make good enough money.
But its not about the money. And that’s where the real emotional roller coaster comes in. You don’t want a teaching job because of the money (or lack thereof) or because of the politics and test scores and overprotective parents or the budget cuts and the bad press, you want a teaching job because it is what you are meant to do. You want a teaching job because you truly believe in the children, and you care so much about them that you are willing to put up with all of the other nonsense, if you can just reach one student a day. You want to be a teacher because you know you can do it. And you worry because on paper, through the endless applications, you are not sure that they convey the depth of your passion.
So, after rock bottom, you hit a plateu. A half-hearted trust in the bigger picture. And resort to all that is left: hope, and patience.
A self portrait that best represents this post: